Huh! Okay, it's easier to post every day when I'm not working! Well, what a revelation.
That bad black dog, Dr. Seuss, ran away yesterday morning. I mean one minute I could see him sitting in my neighbour's yard and the next, poof! gone. Stealth goggie. I went around the streets, in my robe, at 5 a.m. calling him. I called *cookies* and rattled a bad of dog treats. No dog. I made his breakfast and went around the neighbourhood in my robe at 5:15 a.m. calling *breakfast*. No dog. Finally, as I was getting dressed, I don't know why, I'd already traveled around in my robe...to get in the car and look for him he turned up at the door. 45 minutes after he disappeared! His story is that he was abducted by aliens. He is very sorry but it was not his fault.
Really! I am a pretty open person but I think he was just hiding behind a bush and laughing at me!
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Uh, hi.
Just a rainy day here in Pittsburgh. Yep. All day.
I walked the dog.
I made curried oven-roasted potatoes.
I walked the dog.
I exercised on the treadmill.
I went to the grocery store.
I went to a meeting.
Hard to believe that took up a whole day.
I walked the dog.
I made curried oven-roasted potatoes.
I walked the dog.
I exercised on the treadmill.
I went to the grocery store.
I went to a meeting.
Hard to believe that took up a whole day.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
brownies
Oh, bliss! I have found and made Cherrybrook Kitchen fudge brownies. Go to www.cherrybrookkitchen.com and you too can find lovely goodies that are dairy, egg, and nut free. And they also make gluten free mixes too. Yes, kids, I'm sorry to say, it was a mix. But, it makes a morish brownie. I had to offer them for sharing so as not to eat them all. I have a chocolate chip cookie mix in the cupboard.
And, if I hoard my little upc symbols I can get cool Cherrybrook Kitchen merchandise. For the cost of postage, naturally.
It makes me happy to have brownies.
I decorated the house today. My ceramic tree is up, some of my houses are out, I put up two wreaths, and I dusted off my snow globes. It has been four years since I decorated for Christmas. Not since my girlfriend died. Something shifted this year and I wanted to decorate. So I did. It feels a little like picking a scab (sorry) but it also feels like I found pink skin underneath.
And, if I hoard my little upc symbols I can get cool Cherrybrook Kitchen merchandise. For the cost of postage, naturally.
It makes me happy to have brownies.
I decorated the house today. My ceramic tree is up, some of my houses are out, I put up two wreaths, and I dusted off my snow globes. It has been four years since I decorated for Christmas. Not since my girlfriend died. Something shifted this year and I wanted to decorate. So I did. It feels a little like picking a scab (sorry) but it also feels like I found pink skin underneath.
Friday, November 28, 2008
soup for me!
I made turkey soup from the bones of the Thanksgiving turkey. It is quite good. I put cumin in it so I wasn't sure how it would turn out. I've never heard of cumin in turkey soup but I like cumin. I use it a lot. Curry too. I put barley in it. The kind that takes like an hour of hard boiling to cook. Plus all the regular things like celery, onions, peas, corn....
I got rave reviews except that it wasn't salty enough. So...add salt!
I did NOT go shopping today. No. I try not to.
I did however, walk my dog and then do two miles on the treadmill. I have been asked why I do both...especially in the same day. So, here's why: walking the dog is a peaceful, leisurely activity wherein the dog sniffs and I look around. Sometimes the dog points out interesting things for me to look at. Like squirrels and other dogs and people. Sometimes I find things to look at all by myself. But the point of these outings is to be present in the world around me, to enjoy the vargaries of the weather and to connect with my dog.
When I am on the treadmill I am turned inward. There isn't much to look at so I close dmy eyes. I listen to my body and I feel it working. I think in a different mode. I am working on a different *part* of me during each activity.
That is why I use the treadmill and walk the dog in the same day.
I went to a meeting which is very dear to me and saw people who are very dear to me and then went to coffee with a friend who is also very dear to me.
Now it is late and I am tired.
Tomorrow's agenda: decorate for the holidays and bake some chocolate chip cookies (dairy free).
I got rave reviews except that it wasn't salty enough. So...add salt!
I did NOT go shopping today. No. I try not to.
I did however, walk my dog and then do two miles on the treadmill. I have been asked why I do both...especially in the same day. So, here's why: walking the dog is a peaceful, leisurely activity wherein the dog sniffs and I look around. Sometimes the dog points out interesting things for me to look at. Like squirrels and other dogs and people. Sometimes I find things to look at all by myself. But the point of these outings is to be present in the world around me, to enjoy the vargaries of the weather and to connect with my dog.
When I am on the treadmill I am turned inward. There isn't much to look at so I close dmy eyes. I listen to my body and I feel it working. I think in a different mode. I am working on a different *part* of me during each activity.
That is why I use the treadmill and walk the dog in the same day.
I went to a meeting which is very dear to me and saw people who are very dear to me and then went to coffee with a friend who is also very dear to me.
Now it is late and I am tired.
Tomorrow's agenda: decorate for the holidays and bake some chocolate chip cookies (dairy free).
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving!
Sorry I missed posting yesterday. I was busy cooking.
Yep. I'm thankful. All the usual stuff. health, dogs, rat, warm sweaters, house, food. yep.
I get to teach this stuff every year. And it makes me cry and my students don't understand. *Why are you crying Marjie?* Well, my little five year old friends, I am crying because we celebrate a holiday thanking god and this is right and good. Yes, my friends we should thank the Higher Powers of our lives for the good and the fruitful. We must also learn to thank our Higher Powers for things that we don't actually find so sweet. But that is a more advanced trick. Level 3 or something.
But, I digress. You see, what makes me cry is that some hundreds of men women and children left Plymouth, England and sailed for a new life in this land we now occupy. Well, by the end of their first winter here they were down by half. There were about 50 of them left. Mostly children. The children and I had a good conversation about this. See, they are five and they are invincible. So, if they were in a brave new world they would be able to do what was needed. Feed the chickens, carry wood, carry water, mind the baby, etc. They could have and they would have. But what we also read/discussed was that part of the reason our dear pilgrims made it through that first winter was that they found a stash of corn left when the indian tribe who had lived there all died of probably smallpox. No one knows. The English who had kidnapped Squanto left behind something that the native peoples of this continent had no resistance to. So, when our dear pilgrims arrived sick (scurvy) and weary and starving they discovered the stores of the decimated tribe. Would they too sicken and die. No, of course not silly. They came from the disease-ridden cities of England and they were immune. They might lose a child or two but those who grew to *manhood* were immune. So, they survive the winter thanks to the natives that they killed. (Well, okay, they didn't kill those natives personally.) And in their defense one source we read said that they agreed they must *pay* the indians back for the corn they ate. And they ate 5-6 kernels of corn a day. So they weren't having a feast. And they do set up a peace treaty with the Naragansett tribe which lasts for the next 50 years. By which time those who took part in the deal were most likely dead.
The worst part, I think, is the part where Squanto comes to the village alone. Look, he saw smoke from his old village. What would you think? Oh, sweet Mother Earth! Someone is there. Someone came back! And then he goes there and finds the same *nation* of people who had kidnapped him! What does he do? He helps them! He shows them where to hunt and how. These folks could not hunt. Even the ones who could shoot came from a place where hunting was called poaching. And it was a punishable offense. Not going out on a limb here. I don't know what the punishment was really. I seem to remember it could have been death. Not sure. If you know, tell me. So, here they are in a world without butchers or bakers or landlords and now they must hunt or starve. So, this guy, this *savage* as they called him, teaches them how to hunt, where to hunt, how to fish, how to get clams and other edible sealife. He saved their sorry asses from starvation cause they didn't even have any corn to plant and they didn't know if the seed they brought from England would grow here. Sheesh! Squanto shared with these poor slobs the bounty of his land because he did not come from a tradition where one owns the land. The bounty of the Earth was there for all to live. This as opposed to a land where shooting a rabbit for dinner got ya in big trouble. At the least the gamekeeper probably had the right to shoot you. But, do we include this information in what we generally teach children about Thanksgiving? No, not so much. But see, my kids are the indians at the big whole school feast. The threes and the fives are the indians because the indians at the first Thanksgiving outnumbered the Brits by 2-1. So, we always do a unit on who the indians were that met the pilgrims and who the indians were that lived here. Where we live. Where the Target stands. Where the fountain at the Point stands. Well, no tribe lived where the fountain at the Point stands. The land around Pittsburgh was hunting grounds for various tribes. So, while many tribes came through, set up hunting camps, fished, etc, none lived here. Huh! But we study the Iroquois Nation because there were the closest. We got this information form the Native Studies Dept at The University of Pittsburgh. I just went to my local library and asked for some help. Turned up no local tribes on maps, went to the History Museum, got given an email and a name at the Native Studies Dept. Went off email. Was given lovely information about no tirbes living on the hunting grounds and the Iroquois being indeed the closest tribe to the area. So, we learn about the Iroquois, we build long houses, we read about what they ate and played. That's important when you are five. We learn a bit about what they believe and how they worship. We let it sink in that we saved the sorry asses of those pathetic and totally unprepared Brits. And then we all remember that while we may not all actually be those Brits we actually all are European. At least this year.
Sorry I missed posting yesterday. I was busy cooking.
Yep. I'm thankful. All the usual stuff. health, dogs, rat, warm sweaters, house, food. yep.
I get to teach this stuff every year. And it makes me cry and my students don't understand. *Why are you crying Marjie?* Well, my little five year old friends, I am crying because we celebrate a holiday thanking god and this is right and good. Yes, my friends we should thank the Higher Powers of our lives for the good and the fruitful. We must also learn to thank our Higher Powers for things that we don't actually find so sweet. But that is a more advanced trick. Level 3 or something.
But, I digress. You see, what makes me cry is that some hundreds of men women and children left Plymouth, England and sailed for a new life in this land we now occupy. Well, by the end of their first winter here they were down by half. There were about 50 of them left. Mostly children. The children and I had a good conversation about this. See, they are five and they are invincible. So, if they were in a brave new world they would be able to do what was needed. Feed the chickens, carry wood, carry water, mind the baby, etc. They could have and they would have. But what we also read/discussed was that part of the reason our dear pilgrims made it through that first winter was that they found a stash of corn left when the indian tribe who had lived there all died of probably smallpox. No one knows. The English who had kidnapped Squanto left behind something that the native peoples of this continent had no resistance to. So, when our dear pilgrims arrived sick (scurvy) and weary and starving they discovered the stores of the decimated tribe. Would they too sicken and die. No, of course not silly. They came from the disease-ridden cities of England and they were immune. They might lose a child or two but those who grew to *manhood* were immune. So, they survive the winter thanks to the natives that they killed. (Well, okay, they didn't kill those natives personally.) And in their defense one source we read said that they agreed they must *pay* the indians back for the corn they ate. And they ate 5-6 kernels of corn a day. So they weren't having a feast. And they do set up a peace treaty with the Naragansett tribe which lasts for the next 50 years. By which time those who took part in the deal were most likely dead.
The worst part, I think, is the part where Squanto comes to the village alone. Look, he saw smoke from his old village. What would you think? Oh, sweet Mother Earth! Someone is there. Someone came back! And then he goes there and finds the same *nation* of people who had kidnapped him! What does he do? He helps them! He shows them where to hunt and how. These folks could not hunt. Even the ones who could shoot came from a place where hunting was called poaching. And it was a punishable offense. Not going out on a limb here. I don't know what the punishment was really. I seem to remember it could have been death. Not sure. If you know, tell me. So, here they are in a world without butchers or bakers or landlords and now they must hunt or starve. So, this guy, this *savage* as they called him, teaches them how to hunt, where to hunt, how to fish, how to get clams and other edible sealife. He saved their sorry asses from starvation cause they didn't even have any corn to plant and they didn't know if the seed they brought from England would grow here. Sheesh! Squanto shared with these poor slobs the bounty of his land because he did not come from a tradition where one owns the land. The bounty of the Earth was there for all to live. This as opposed to a land where shooting a rabbit for dinner got ya in big trouble. At the least the gamekeeper probably had the right to shoot you. But, do we include this information in what we generally teach children about Thanksgiving? No, not so much. But see, my kids are the indians at the big whole school feast. The threes and the fives are the indians because the indians at the first Thanksgiving outnumbered the Brits by 2-1. So, we always do a unit on who the indians were that met the pilgrims and who the indians were that lived here. Where we live. Where the Target stands. Where the fountain at the Point stands. Well, no tribe lived where the fountain at the Point stands. The land around Pittsburgh was hunting grounds for various tribes. So, while many tribes came through, set up hunting camps, fished, etc, none lived here. Huh! But we study the Iroquois Nation because there were the closest. We got this information form the Native Studies Dept at The University of Pittsburgh. I just went to my local library and asked for some help. Turned up no local tribes on maps, went to the History Museum, got given an email and a name at the Native Studies Dept. Went off email. Was given lovely information about no tirbes living on the hunting grounds and the Iroquois being indeed the closest tribe to the area. So, we learn about the Iroquois, we build long houses, we read about what they ate and played. That's important when you are five. We learn a bit about what they believe and how they worship. We let it sink in that we saved the sorry asses of those pathetic and totally unprepared Brits. And then we all remember that while we may not all actually be those Brits we actually all are European. At least this year.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I'm back again
We are having snow. Big fat flakes of beautiful snow. It's not laying much but it's quite lovely.
I have all the ingredients for a dairy free Thanksgiving! I am very excited. There will be pie and stuffing and lots of yummy stuff. I'll be cooking it myself because of this:
Brother's Girlfriend: *I made this and it's dairy free.*
Me: *What did you put in it?*
B.G.: *Vegetables, noodles, and cream of mushroom soup.*
Me: *Yeah, what do you think the *cream* in cream of mushroom soup is made of?*
B.G.: *Oh, I didn't think of that.*
Yeah, so I'll be doing the cooking because I am looking forward to the eating.
And the breathing.
I have all the ingredients for a dairy free Thanksgiving! I am very excited. There will be pie and stuffing and lots of yummy stuff. I'll be cooking it myself because of this:
Brother's Girlfriend: *I made this and it's dairy free.*
Me: *What did you put in it?*
B.G.: *Vegetables, noodles, and cream of mushroom soup.*
Me: *Yeah, what do you think the *cream* in cream of mushroom soup is made of?*
B.G.: *Oh, I didn't think of that.*
Yeah, so I'll be doing the cooking because I am looking forward to the eating.
And the breathing.
Monday, November 24, 2008
day 3
Well, here's your third dose of me in three days.
Long day.
Cooking with 5 year olds.
Stuffing in the morning.
Pumpkin cake in the afternoon.
I can't eat any of it. It is all made with dairy.
But our school feast is tomorrow. We are the Naragansett.
We are not a glum lot. We have learned a lot about the native peoples of New England and Pittsburgh. And no, there were not any tribes living here at the time. Pittsburgh was the hunting grounds of various tribes.
And then, I went to the meeting of District 21, Area 60. If this is Greek, you're not in A.A. Nevermind.
But, I have been elected DCM (see previous post for explanation) for our district. I am conflicted. It is a big task.
But, there it is.
Long day.
Cooking with 5 year olds.
Stuffing in the morning.
Pumpkin cake in the afternoon.
I can't eat any of it. It is all made with dairy.
But our school feast is tomorrow. We are the Naragansett.
We are not a glum lot. We have learned a lot about the native peoples of New England and Pittsburgh. And no, there were not any tribes living here at the time. Pittsburgh was the hunting grounds of various tribes.
And then, I went to the meeting of District 21, Area 60. If this is Greek, you're not in A.A. Nevermind.
But, I have been elected DCM (see previous post for explanation) for our district. I am conflicted. It is a big task.
But, there it is.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
daily drivvel
Here I am, back again and I only posted yesterday. It would seem that lately I've been poting once a month. My goal is to up that.
Today's daily drivvel is all about food allergies. I am just getting over the last exposure to dairy. That happened on Wednesday. I ate out. Folks don't understand. I ate something that had dairy in it. See, some people think that only means like, *is there milk in it?* No. It means not only milk but butter, buttermilk, yogurt, cream, sour cream, cream cheese, ice cream, buttermilk, milk solids, whey, casien, yada, yada. The list is LONG. Many people who work in restaurants just simply do not know. So, therefore, I am done with eating out for now. I have not been able to breathe since Wednesday...okay, not breathe well or without wheezing. I can do a great Muttly inpression. Remember Muttly?
My stomach has been very unhappy too.
I have been discovering that the pain caused by ingesting an allergen is similar to hunger pains. At this point I am trying to distinguish between the two. Well, not at this exact moment because now I am feeling better. But over the past three days, I tried to figure out which it was. Was I successful? Well, no, but I had a revelation.
Back when I was a size 5 I ignored my bodies need for food and I ignored hunger pains. Silly body. Thinking I was going to feed her just because she was hungery. So, trying to stay healthy in a more self-loving way has been interesting in itself. I didn't put on that much weight. Only 10 pounds. But the similarity of the pain gave me a lot to think about. See, back when I was ignoring the pain I was ignoring the fact that not only was I not meeting the needs of my body but what I was eating was making me sick. But ignoring one kind of pain lead to ignoring other pain and lots of other problems as well. Like having to spend three hours in the allergists office because I was having an asthma attack which I was ignoring. I did that a lot too. Silly body. Thinking it should have air to breathe.
So, today, after the allergen invoked migraine went away I made curried oven-roasted potatoes and a tuna noodle dish. Safe and yummy. And I took the dog to the nature preserve and we walked in the frigid air. It never made it to 30 degrees today.
So, I'm paying attention now and I feel better. Let's try to keep it that way.
Today's daily drivvel is all about food allergies. I am just getting over the last exposure to dairy. That happened on Wednesday. I ate out. Folks don't understand. I ate something that had dairy in it. See, some people think that only means like, *is there milk in it?* No. It means not only milk but butter, buttermilk, yogurt, cream, sour cream, cream cheese, ice cream, buttermilk, milk solids, whey, casien, yada, yada. The list is LONG. Many people who work in restaurants just simply do not know. So, therefore, I am done with eating out for now. I have not been able to breathe since Wednesday...okay, not breathe well or without wheezing. I can do a great Muttly inpression. Remember Muttly?
My stomach has been very unhappy too.
I have been discovering that the pain caused by ingesting an allergen is similar to hunger pains. At this point I am trying to distinguish between the two. Well, not at this exact moment because now I am feeling better. But over the past three days, I tried to figure out which it was. Was I successful? Well, no, but I had a revelation.
Back when I was a size 5 I ignored my bodies need for food and I ignored hunger pains. Silly body. Thinking I was going to feed her just because she was hungery. So, trying to stay healthy in a more self-loving way has been interesting in itself. I didn't put on that much weight. Only 10 pounds. But the similarity of the pain gave me a lot to think about. See, back when I was ignoring the pain I was ignoring the fact that not only was I not meeting the needs of my body but what I was eating was making me sick. But ignoring one kind of pain lead to ignoring other pain and lots of other problems as well. Like having to spend three hours in the allergists office because I was having an asthma attack which I was ignoring. I did that a lot too. Silly body. Thinking it should have air to breathe.
So, today, after the allergen invoked migraine went away I made curried oven-roasted potatoes and a tuna noodle dish. Safe and yummy. And I took the dog to the nature preserve and we walked in the frigid air. It never made it to 30 degrees today.
So, I'm paying attention now and I feel better. Let's try to keep it that way.
Friday, November 21, 2008
All the odd bits
Okay, it's been a while. It always is. Maybe I should try to post more. Just the stupid day to day stuff. Then my few readers could be bored daily but it wouldn't last so long. Okay, I'm in a weird, very calm mood.
So, I'm still coming to terms with the food allergies stuff. There seems to be a process. Isn't there a process for everything? I HOPE I'm moving into acceptance. It's just stupid to eat things that make me ill and compromise my breathing. Just stupid.
My surgery, I mentioned that didn't I? Well, it went well. Although it will be 2-3 weeks more before things finish healing. So says my doctor. And another 2-3 months before the full impact of the surgery will be known. It was an endometrial ablation. See, I did know what it was really called.
Life has gotten busy. I have been trying to help get our A.A. district active again. We have LOTS of meetings and all...we just aren't active in the wider service structure of A.A. So, we're trying to change that. This means that I MIGHT be elected DCM (district committee member) for our district. I don't think I really want it but...I'll do it for the recommended 2 years should I get elected. Not fussing about it, not really, it's jsut that it's a big job. There will be an alternate DCM who should help with the tasks required. We shall see.
There really is so much that I'm having a hard time remembering it all. Maybe I should poet more often.
It is REALLY winter here. It was 20 degress the last time I heard. And snowing.
And Daisy the Dog is learning to hold a stay when the doorbell rings. I think this is actually doable. She does it near the door. The task now is to more further away. It's a work in progress.
More tomorrow.
So, I'm still coming to terms with the food allergies stuff. There seems to be a process. Isn't there a process for everything? I HOPE I'm moving into acceptance. It's just stupid to eat things that make me ill and compromise my breathing. Just stupid.
My surgery, I mentioned that didn't I? Well, it went well. Although it will be 2-3 weeks more before things finish healing. So says my doctor. And another 2-3 months before the full impact of the surgery will be known. It was an endometrial ablation. See, I did know what it was really called.
Life has gotten busy. I have been trying to help get our A.A. district active again. We have LOTS of meetings and all...we just aren't active in the wider service structure of A.A. So, we're trying to change that. This means that I MIGHT be elected DCM (district committee member) for our district. I don't think I really want it but...I'll do it for the recommended 2 years should I get elected. Not fussing about it, not really, it's jsut that it's a big job. There will be an alternate DCM who should help with the tasks required. We shall see.
There really is so much that I'm having a hard time remembering it all. Maybe I should poet more often.
It is REALLY winter here. It was 20 degress the last time I heard. And snowing.
And Daisy the Dog is learning to hold a stay when the doorbell rings. I think this is actually doable. She does it near the door. The task now is to more further away. It's a work in progress.
More tomorrow.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
It's been a while and I guess it's time for an update.
I had my surgery of which I spoke in one of my last posts. I guess it went well. I'm still recovering. Healing. It will take four weeks. But this is different. Cause there is no scar, no physical reminder that my body has received a trauma. Except for the exhaustion and tiny cramps. Not bad at all. But then, what I had before was so bad I would feel faint. So, I'm not the best judge. Great for me though. Now if the aftermath of discharge would stop I would be able to answer the question, *How'd your surgery go?* with more certainty.
My brother who was supposed to have surgery the same day as me had his a week later due to an infection. He now has staples all the way from his ankle to his groin and some on the outside of his leg too. And some on his belly where they harvested the artery to transplant. How is it that there is artery just lying around that can be transplanted from one place to another? But, he will lose some toes despite the transplant. The last official word was two toes but from the look of his toes all four of his smaller toes are black and seemingly fused with necrotic tissue. Disgusting. Yep. But, it was like a horror flick. I had to look. I'm like that.
He may, in the end, actually lose the whole leg.
On a lighter note. We had a lovely Samhain ritual with another local coven. It was nice. We had a spiral dance and honoured our dead and the baby. She cried. There was a festival held by the other coven today as well. It was fun and there were interesting speakers. And drumming. And food. Vegan food. Which is good cause I can eat that. No dairy.
Warning: Topic Change!
I had the most disturbing using dream Thursday night. My brain turned out bits of squirelled away information. I dreamed about the way pot burns when ya inhale and I flet the heat of the joint on my fingers. Not to mention all the mental and emotional machinations. Oh yeah. It was real enough to be VERY DISTURBING! I had to think about where I was when I woke up. I sometimes realize I am sreaming while I am dreaming and sort of dorect it. Not this time. I was not in control of this dream. Freaky.
And Friday just went on being a weird day all day long.
But now it is Saturday. A day of almonds and raisins. Joy and sorrow.
I'm grateful I can feel it all and live it all.
I had my surgery of which I spoke in one of my last posts. I guess it went well. I'm still recovering. Healing. It will take four weeks. But this is different. Cause there is no scar, no physical reminder that my body has received a trauma. Except for the exhaustion and tiny cramps. Not bad at all. But then, what I had before was so bad I would feel faint. So, I'm not the best judge. Great for me though. Now if the aftermath of discharge would stop I would be able to answer the question, *How'd your surgery go?* with more certainty.
My brother who was supposed to have surgery the same day as me had his a week later due to an infection. He now has staples all the way from his ankle to his groin and some on the outside of his leg too. And some on his belly where they harvested the artery to transplant. How is it that there is artery just lying around that can be transplanted from one place to another? But, he will lose some toes despite the transplant. The last official word was two toes but from the look of his toes all four of his smaller toes are black and seemingly fused with necrotic tissue. Disgusting. Yep. But, it was like a horror flick. I had to look. I'm like that.
He may, in the end, actually lose the whole leg.
On a lighter note. We had a lovely Samhain ritual with another local coven. It was nice. We had a spiral dance and honoured our dead and the baby. She cried. There was a festival held by the other coven today as well. It was fun and there were interesting speakers. And drumming. And food. Vegan food. Which is good cause I can eat that. No dairy.
Warning: Topic Change!
I had the most disturbing using dream Thursday night. My brain turned out bits of squirelled away information. I dreamed about the way pot burns when ya inhale and I flet the heat of the joint on my fingers. Not to mention all the mental and emotional machinations. Oh yeah. It was real enough to be VERY DISTURBING! I had to think about where I was when I woke up. I sometimes realize I am sreaming while I am dreaming and sort of dorect it. Not this time. I was not in control of this dream. Freaky.
And Friday just went on being a weird day all day long.
But now it is Saturday. A day of almonds and raisins. Joy and sorrow.
I'm grateful I can feel it all and live it all.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
a few updates
Daisy, the dog who needs lightened up is up to day 10 of the *plan for doggy relaxation*. Okay, okay, it's been over a month. But she has made progress (see schmoozing in the last post). It's a 15 day plan so we're doing okay.
She had a little set back when the can of cheeze whiz made a spurting sound when it was nearly empty and scared the dickens out of her. She would not come back into the room with the can of cheeze whiz. We're working on that now too.
She has accepted offerings from the new can but she looks at it like it might do something crazy at any moment.
She had a little set back when the can of cheeze whiz made a spurting sound when it was nearly empty and scared the dickens out of her. She would not come back into the room with the can of cheeze whiz. We're working on that now too.
She has accepted offerings from the new can but she looks at it like it might do something crazy at any moment.
Where I've Been
I've been *not blogging*. That's where I've been. See, when things are going on, I'm not really very likely to blog about them right off. You, my couple of readers, are glad, yes, very glad of this. If you know me to speak to then you will know that this is true. when I am in the middle of things I cannot verablise them very well. Though I do try. It genrally comes out as gibberish which my f2f friends put up with in the most patient manner. Thank you.
Here's what's been goin' on:
My body has gone on a rampage. Perimenopause has chosen the past few months to make it's presence known. Although I have suspected this to be the case for a while. And then, in what seemed like a sudden reversal, there were some other disturbing symptoms. (If you are not a woman...oh well, I am and this is my blog.)
I started bellding several times a month. *This*, I said to me, *is not normal*. So, after several visits to the doctor, an ultrasound and a very painful pipette biopsy to rule out cancer fibroids and csyts were discovered. Okay, so my body had not blown a gasket of anything. It was just trying to fix a problem. Fix not working. The whole scenario has been very scary. But the worst is over. Really. All the tests came back negative for cancer. Lining of uterus normal, etc. Except for the fibroids and cysts. The cysts were unclear as to whether they were solid (a concern) or not. So I will have another ultrasound in December to look at them again. The fibroids and the crazy, ridiculous bleeding will be dealt with by cauterizing the lining of my uterus. Yay.
I was further disturbed during all this by well meaning friends who shared that they had been having similar problems FOR YEARS!! Oh. My. Gods. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Well, it turns out that they had either chosen to do nothing or chosen to find out what the probelm was and do nothing. Oh. I feel better now. My panic on this front was exacerbated by the calm reaction and *you're fine* manner of the nurses who one speaks to first at my doctor's office. These were the first line of professionals I dealt with and it seemed that they were really not all that concerned. Now, perhaps, they were trying to prevent panic. They failed. I paniced because they did not seem as concerned as I thought they should be about my symptoms. Ah, well. I have a lovely Program that helps me deal with, not only my panic over my symptoms but also my panic over their lack of panic over my symptoms. And then there is the wonderful gratitude I have.
I am grateful that there is a solution to my problem.
I am gratful that I have a Program for living and enough time practising it to DO something about my problems.
I am grateful that all the tests for cancer came back negative.
I am grateful that all the women who said they've been putting up with these kind of symptoms for years were honest enough to admit that they haven't done anything about it.
I am gratful for the care and concern of my friends.
That's it.
Oh, and my dog, Daisy, had her reunion at the shelter she was adopted from today. She ate ice cream and schmoozed and gazed into the reflecting pool(it was supposed to be a duck pond where in the dog takes a duck out of the water and wins a prize but Daisy doesn't do water play) and played Simon Says. She lost and she did not pout. She got a bag of loot too. Rawhides, pig ears (ewwww!), milkbones, chewy treats, two bandannas, poop bags in a cute carrier, a frisbee, a pink ball, a really giant milkbone, and a coupon for a free nail clipping.
good fun.
Here's what's been goin' on:
My body has gone on a rampage. Perimenopause has chosen the past few months to make it's presence known. Although I have suspected this to be the case for a while. And then, in what seemed like a sudden reversal, there were some other disturbing symptoms. (If you are not a woman...oh well, I am and this is my blog.)
I started bellding several times a month. *This*, I said to me, *is not normal*. So, after several visits to the doctor, an ultrasound and a very painful pipette biopsy to rule out cancer fibroids and csyts were discovered. Okay, so my body had not blown a gasket of anything. It was just trying to fix a problem. Fix not working. The whole scenario has been very scary. But the worst is over. Really. All the tests came back negative for cancer. Lining of uterus normal, etc. Except for the fibroids and cysts. The cysts were unclear as to whether they were solid (a concern) or not. So I will have another ultrasound in December to look at them again. The fibroids and the crazy, ridiculous bleeding will be dealt with by cauterizing the lining of my uterus. Yay.
I was further disturbed during all this by well meaning friends who shared that they had been having similar problems FOR YEARS!! Oh. My. Gods. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Well, it turns out that they had either chosen to do nothing or chosen to find out what the probelm was and do nothing. Oh. I feel better now. My panic on this front was exacerbated by the calm reaction and *you're fine* manner of the nurses who one speaks to first at my doctor's office. These were the first line of professionals I dealt with and it seemed that they were really not all that concerned. Now, perhaps, they were trying to prevent panic. They failed. I paniced because they did not seem as concerned as I thought they should be about my symptoms. Ah, well. I have a lovely Program that helps me deal with, not only my panic over my symptoms but also my panic over their lack of panic over my symptoms. And then there is the wonderful gratitude I have.
I am grateful that there is a solution to my problem.
I am gratful that I have a Program for living and enough time practising it to DO something about my problems.
I am grateful that all the tests for cancer came back negative.
I am grateful that all the women who said they've been putting up with these kind of symptoms for years were honest enough to admit that they haven't done anything about it.
I am gratful for the care and concern of my friends.
That's it.
Oh, and my dog, Daisy, had her reunion at the shelter she was adopted from today. She ate ice cream and schmoozed and gazed into the reflecting pool(it was supposed to be a duck pond where in the dog takes a duck out of the water and wins a prize but Daisy doesn't do water play) and played Simon Says. She lost and she did not pout. She got a bag of loot too. Rawhides, pig ears (ewwww!), milkbones, chewy treats, two bandannas, poop bags in a cute carrier, a frisbee, a pink ball, a really giant milkbone, and a coupon for a free nail clipping.
good fun.
Friday, August 08, 2008
knowing -- noticing
I am a witch. And so I know some things and I notice some things. Like I NOTICED the moon tonight. It looks just like the moon in Harold and the Purple Crayon. I also teach Kindergarten. And BECAUSE the moon looks like the moon in Harold and the Purple Crayon I KNOW that it is a waxing moon. BECAUSE the last time I NOTICED the moon it was smaller. So it must be waxing. I mentioned I'm a witches. Witches pay attention to things like this. Or, at least I do.
What does this mean? Well, it means that while the moon was waning I was busy dumping a lot of junk that I don't need anymore and that isn't working for me now. Now, while the moon is waxing I'm building new skills that will serve me better.
I did mention I'm a witch, right? Okay.
While the mmon was waxing I was sort of melting down myself. Some people call it an Alanon Slip. But, see, slips have a more serious meaning for me, so let's go with *episode*. Which is actually a very mild term for the emotional reaction that it is describing. But, I lack a better term. So, for now it will do. I spent several days mostly in tears. Why? Hmmm. Anger, frustration, powerlessness, fear. My brother had 5 arteries transplanted in his legs. He had no pulse in them. My mother drinks too. I know a solution. They don't want it. I can't make them. Yes, I am a witch. But, in my early days I learned that it is best not to mess with the will of others cause then ya get all tangled up in the webs ya weave and it gets ungly. Plus, it's just not very nice to go messin' with other people's stuff. Not to mention that it is very codependent. So, I had a melt down instead. Which was actually very useful to me. Cleared the way for much more useful behaviour. Cause I was thinkin' of getti' the family on the show *Intervention*. Yeah. Not.
So, now I'm going to Alanon and not quite so puffed up cause I got 18 years sober and I fucking WORKED the steps and all. Yeah, now I can listen more and I've even found a few resentments that were tucked away for 30 odd years waiting for their time to be resolved. It gets different.
My family annoys me greatly. But there ARE people who ask for my help and those people it is my duty to help. See, I owe a debt of love to the people who helped me get sober. And the only way to repay it is to pay it forward. A girl I know who went back out called me for help. So, we met at a meeting and stayed for the meeting, of course. I can't really express in words just how much pain it causes me when someone who has some time sober drinks again. But, we each have only today and without a Power greater than ourselves, that could be anyone of us. We have a *daily reprieve contingent on our spitiual condition*. And so, we talked. I asked simple self care questions. We talked more after the meeting. Lots of people talked to her. We all owe a debt we must pay forward.
While we were talking another woman's 4 year old son took a header and skinned up his whole face. He was oaky but bloody. We got him cleaned up but he was upset. I took her to get first aid cream and bandaides at the drug store. I let her son look at the pictures in my phone while we waited. It calmed him down. SOMEHOW he managed to change my phone service...he added a service I did not have. After I dropped them off at their home I got a text from Sprint telling me that my service change request had been confirmed. Yeah, yeah, I called and got it removed. I never saw him do it!! When did he do that?? How did he do that?? That'll teach me!
And to top it all off my dog needs remedial training. But she is doing well on the Cheese Whiz when we see a kid plan. (She is afraid of children, especially children on wheels.) And there is a daily practice of relaxation (for the dog). Her trainer says she needs *lightened up*. She is too dark. And this is not the most woo woo trainer in teh City of Pittsburgh. After eleven days we are on *Day Four* of the relaxation scheme. So it would seem that the dog is indeed a bit tense.
And she was consecrated as a magical tool (by accident) when she was much smaller and I could hold her in one hand. No wonder things are a little crazy. One of my magical tools is tense!
One Day At A Time Dear Daisy Dog.
What does this mean? Well, it means that while the moon was waning I was busy dumping a lot of junk that I don't need anymore and that isn't working for me now. Now, while the moon is waxing I'm building new skills that will serve me better.
I did mention I'm a witch, right? Okay.
While the mmon was waxing I was sort of melting down myself. Some people call it an Alanon Slip. But, see, slips have a more serious meaning for me, so let's go with *episode*. Which is actually a very mild term for the emotional reaction that it is describing. But, I lack a better term. So, for now it will do. I spent several days mostly in tears. Why? Hmmm. Anger, frustration, powerlessness, fear. My brother had 5 arteries transplanted in his legs. He had no pulse in them. My mother drinks too. I know a solution. They don't want it. I can't make them. Yes, I am a witch. But, in my early days I learned that it is best not to mess with the will of others cause then ya get all tangled up in the webs ya weave and it gets ungly. Plus, it's just not very nice to go messin' with other people's stuff. Not to mention that it is very codependent. So, I had a melt down instead. Which was actually very useful to me. Cleared the way for much more useful behaviour. Cause I was thinkin' of getti' the family on the show *Intervention*. Yeah. Not.
So, now I'm going to Alanon and not quite so puffed up cause I got 18 years sober and I fucking WORKED the steps and all. Yeah, now I can listen more and I've even found a few resentments that were tucked away for 30 odd years waiting for their time to be resolved. It gets different.
My family annoys me greatly. But there ARE people who ask for my help and those people it is my duty to help. See, I owe a debt of love to the people who helped me get sober. And the only way to repay it is to pay it forward. A girl I know who went back out called me for help. So, we met at a meeting and stayed for the meeting, of course. I can't really express in words just how much pain it causes me when someone who has some time sober drinks again. But, we each have only today and without a Power greater than ourselves, that could be anyone of us. We have a *daily reprieve contingent on our spitiual condition*. And so, we talked. I asked simple self care questions. We talked more after the meeting. Lots of people talked to her. We all owe a debt we must pay forward.
While we were talking another woman's 4 year old son took a header and skinned up his whole face. He was oaky but bloody. We got him cleaned up but he was upset. I took her to get first aid cream and bandaides at the drug store. I let her son look at the pictures in my phone while we waited. It calmed him down. SOMEHOW he managed to change my phone service...he added a service I did not have. After I dropped them off at their home I got a text from Sprint telling me that my service change request had been confirmed. Yeah, yeah, I called and got it removed. I never saw him do it!! When did he do that?? How did he do that?? That'll teach me!
And to top it all off my dog needs remedial training. But she is doing well on the Cheese Whiz when we see a kid plan. (She is afraid of children, especially children on wheels.) And there is a daily practice of relaxation (for the dog). Her trainer says she needs *lightened up*. She is too dark. And this is not the most woo woo trainer in teh City of Pittsburgh. After eleven days we are on *Day Four* of the relaxation scheme. So it would seem that the dog is indeed a bit tense.
And she was consecrated as a magical tool (by accident) when she was much smaller and I could hold her in one hand. No wonder things are a little crazy. One of my magical tools is tense!
One Day At A Time Dear Daisy Dog.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Where do they come from and why do they pick me?
Stunned would be a good word. Yep. I think it's the best one to describe my reaction. I was at a meeting on Sunday morning. I go to this meeting most every week. Except when I miss it because of an A.A. Area Service meeting. Well, the woman who took me to my first meeting about 22 years ago was there. It always gladdens my heart to see her. So, I sat with her and we chatted. She says to me. *You're quite the topic of converstain at meetings.* Huh? What do you mean? Well, it would seem that there is some guy (I don't know him nor did I recognize his name or that of his sponsor) who refuses to hold hands at meetings now because I am wiccan. Hmm. I NEVER say that I am wiccan. When asked, I say I am a witch or a Pagan. Anyway, he believes that I will suck out his soul while holding hands DURING THE LORD'S PRAYER AND GIVE IT TO THE DEVIL!! Wow! I had no idea I held such power. Why am I always the last to know? First of all, I feel sorta sorry for the poor christian whose god is so weak that he can't protect his followers even during a prayer directed at him. *Our Father Who art in heaven... I'm sorry, Father's out just now. Can you come back later?* Cause Reclaiming Feri isn't the only path I know. Words hold power for christians too. And names. I am pretty sure that I was told my soul was safe with Yahweh's name on my lips, in my heart, whatever. I'm pretty sure I was told that my soul was always safe. Right up to the time when I became the definition of a blasphemer.
At first I was stunned, appalled, scared. What did this mean? For me? For the sobriety of this guy? Well, his sobriety is out of my hands. For me? It could mean many things. It could mean that I do ont go to the meeting where he supposedly met me which I occaisionally go to. It could mean that I go there are regularly as possible just to piss him off and steal his soul. Which would be mean and the brainchild of an undealt with resentment. This will probably not happen. Although I may still go to this meeting on occaision. But for the near future I will be going to a women's meeting in the East End instead of this meeting in the West End. I am the GSR for a meeting in the East End and our district meeting is on Monday nights just before the women's meeting. And, I have been going to this meeting for over a month and have NOT been going to the meeting wherein all the hubbub has been brewing. Guess that's why I didn't know anything about it. Either that or no one wants to piss off the witch. The woman who took me to my first meeting? She has more sense than that. Plus, she's not a gossip. Otherwise I would have heard this witha grain of salt. Oh, and it seems that I have run afoul of a couple at the West End meeting by objecting to the way they handle their sponsees. Isolating them and controling their every move. It would seem that I was out of line when I gave one of their sponsees my honest opinion and it contradicted what they had said. Said sponsee wanted to adopt a rescue dog that she had been working with at the local shelter for months. I said I did not see why getting a dog would cause her to get drunk. Apparently her sponsor and her sponsor's girlfriend thought the only cats can help you stay sober. And despite my best efforts to be cheerful and pleasant neither one of them will talk to me to this day. And it has been months. Could their resentments have lead to them spreading really stupid shit like people's souls aitn't safe? It's possible. One of them screamed at me at a meeting and the other one screamed at the poor woman who wanted a dog. Out of control, totally unacceptable. The sad part is that we were all friends at one time.
Which means that I DO have some insight into how their minds work. And they are devious.
But, all that aside, for the time being I will go to a different meeting. I really don't feel any need to mess with the mind (or soul) of someone who is so obviously afraid and who does not have a higher power they can actually trust as yet.
It rankles though. I kept going to this meeting throughout many bits and bobs of chaos with the bullheaded idea that no one was going to push me out of a meeting. Well, I still feel that way but if spiritually weak newcomers are going to be impacted, this changes the situation considerably. If I had no options as to other meetings I would confront the whole group. In a group, or bring it up as a topic or go to the group officers and ask for a group conscience to try to work it out. But, even though many of the people in this group are friends of mine, I don't think that would get me too far at present. They are having problems functioning as a group anyway. And obviously they are having trouble with Traditions 1 and 5.
1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity.
5. Each group has but one primary purpose--to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
It would get too convoluted for me to go into all their problems but when confronted with many people leaving that group and getting new home groups because of how they have been treated or because of behaviours they have witnessed in this group (me among them) the group GSR made some flip comment and refused to see the problem as important.
I got waaay off track but ya can see why I am not so stunned that meanness and intolerance came out of this meeting as I am that it happened at all.
I don't know what, if anything, I will do about this. For now I am breathing and sitting with it. Oh, and praying for the poor sod whose god can't protect him.
At first I was stunned, appalled, scared. What did this mean? For me? For the sobriety of this guy? Well, his sobriety is out of my hands. For me? It could mean many things. It could mean that I do ont go to the meeting where he supposedly met me which I occaisionally go to. It could mean that I go there are regularly as possible just to piss him off and steal his soul. Which would be mean and the brainchild of an undealt with resentment. This will probably not happen. Although I may still go to this meeting on occaision. But for the near future I will be going to a women's meeting in the East End instead of this meeting in the West End. I am the GSR for a meeting in the East End and our district meeting is on Monday nights just before the women's meeting. And, I have been going to this meeting for over a month and have NOT been going to the meeting wherein all the hubbub has been brewing. Guess that's why I didn't know anything about it. Either that or no one wants to piss off the witch. The woman who took me to my first meeting? She has more sense than that. Plus, she's not a gossip. Otherwise I would have heard this witha grain of salt. Oh, and it seems that I have run afoul of a couple at the West End meeting by objecting to the way they handle their sponsees. Isolating them and controling their every move. It would seem that I was out of line when I gave one of their sponsees my honest opinion and it contradicted what they had said. Said sponsee wanted to adopt a rescue dog that she had been working with at the local shelter for months. I said I did not see why getting a dog would cause her to get drunk. Apparently her sponsor and her sponsor's girlfriend thought the only cats can help you stay sober. And despite my best efforts to be cheerful and pleasant neither one of them will talk to me to this day. And it has been months. Could their resentments have lead to them spreading really stupid shit like people's souls aitn't safe? It's possible. One of them screamed at me at a meeting and the other one screamed at the poor woman who wanted a dog. Out of control, totally unacceptable. The sad part is that we were all friends at one time.
Which means that I DO have some insight into how their minds work. And they are devious.
But, all that aside, for the time being I will go to a different meeting. I really don't feel any need to mess with the mind (or soul) of someone who is so obviously afraid and who does not have a higher power they can actually trust as yet.
It rankles though. I kept going to this meeting throughout many bits and bobs of chaos with the bullheaded idea that no one was going to push me out of a meeting. Well, I still feel that way but if spiritually weak newcomers are going to be impacted, this changes the situation considerably. If I had no options as to other meetings I would confront the whole group. In a group, or bring it up as a topic or go to the group officers and ask for a group conscience to try to work it out. But, even though many of the people in this group are friends of mine, I don't think that would get me too far at present. They are having problems functioning as a group anyway. And obviously they are having trouble with Traditions 1 and 5.
1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity.
5. Each group has but one primary purpose--to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
It would get too convoluted for me to go into all their problems but when confronted with many people leaving that group and getting new home groups because of how they have been treated or because of behaviours they have witnessed in this group (me among them) the group GSR made some flip comment and refused to see the problem as important.
I got waaay off track but ya can see why I am not so stunned that meanness and intolerance came out of this meeting as I am that it happened at all.
I don't know what, if anything, I will do about this. For now I am breathing and sitting with it. Oh, and praying for the poor sod whose god can't protect him.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Getting up to speed
So, here's what's been happening lately:
I have flowers on my zuchinni, my raspberries are ripening, and my lettuce is already being harvested. Yum!
I also have lots of spiders in my oganic garden. Our garden has been organic for 30-40 years so we have lots of bugs and widelife. I think they say, *Go over to the Douty's yard. It's full of food and ya won't get sick if ya eat it.* So they all come. We have bugs, butterflies, birds (including an owl), rabbits, deer, and we live in the city. And they yard isn't big.
I'm having an *abnormal* period again. According to my doctor two does not make *an event*. I still think she just doesn't want to say I'm heading for menopause cause she thinks I'm too young. she should have seen my surprise when this all started at nine! I thought I was too young then! Let me just say that I barely cope with one period in the regular time frame. Two is more than I need, thank you very much. Let's just get on with this. Plus the regular ones have been getting weird. Which is weird for me.
I've made friends with the witches from Grove of Gaia. Not Reclaiming but very nice, sane people which here in Pittsburgh means a great deal. I just found out one of them lives a block away from me. Nice!
I went to their Summer Solstice ritual. This is nice cause I just have to show up. I don't have to lug stuff around. I don't have to plan it. I just get to be there.
Our ritual is next weekend cause some key people are away this weekend. But at least we got some magic in on the actual day. And with great people too.
Tomorrow is the Pride parade and the big event with booths and all. There have been events all over the city all week. Mostly at bars and such so I've not gone to them. I'll be at the parade tomorrow. Yep.
I have flowers on my zuchinni, my raspberries are ripening, and my lettuce is already being harvested. Yum!
I also have lots of spiders in my oganic garden. Our garden has been organic for 30-40 years so we have lots of bugs and widelife. I think they say, *Go over to the Douty's yard. It's full of food and ya won't get sick if ya eat it.* So they all come. We have bugs, butterflies, birds (including an owl), rabbits, deer, and we live in the city. And they yard isn't big.
I'm having an *abnormal* period again. According to my doctor two does not make *an event*. I still think she just doesn't want to say I'm heading for menopause cause she thinks I'm too young. she should have seen my surprise when this all started at nine! I thought I was too young then! Let me just say that I barely cope with one period in the regular time frame. Two is more than I need, thank you very much. Let's just get on with this. Plus the regular ones have been getting weird. Which is weird for me.
I've made friends with the witches from Grove of Gaia. Not Reclaiming but very nice, sane people which here in Pittsburgh means a great deal. I just found out one of them lives a block away from me. Nice!
I went to their Summer Solstice ritual. This is nice cause I just have to show up. I don't have to lug stuff around. I don't have to plan it. I just get to be there.
Our ritual is next weekend cause some key people are away this weekend. But at least we got some magic in on the actual day. And with great people too.
Tomorrow is the Pride parade and the big event with booths and all. There have been events all over the city all week. Mostly at bars and such so I've not gone to them. I'll be at the parade tomorrow. Yep.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
growing stuff
I am getting used to the food allergies. The relief I feel physically far out weighs any desire to eat the offending foods. The only problem lies in the derivatives of milk which is SO pervasive. It is in so much. Foods I would not have expected to contain any trace of milk or milk product do indeed.
I am enjoying my garden this year. I am looking forward to peas, beans, potatos, zucchini, tomatoes, several kinds of lettuce (some of which will be ready very soon, raspberries and dandelion. I am so pleased that this land has been organic for some forty years.
I am not too pleased with myself for having planted bamboo. At the time I really didn't know it was invasive and I actually thought it would die the first winter. It did not. It thrives. It is pushing out my lillies of the valley. So, I pull and dig and pull and cut. I hope to, at least, give the lillies of the valley a fighting chance. They've been there for a hundred years.
The garden has tied in nicely with my work with water. Chop wood, carry water. I am not useing a hosepipe to water. I am using a watering can. It's an effort at respect and honoring water and not wasting it. It helps that this is not a desert and we get enough rain.
My painting is very rewarding too, if not for my talent then for the sheer peace it brings.
Off to forage for food. In the kitchen.
I am enjoying my garden this year. I am looking forward to peas, beans, potatos, zucchini, tomatoes, several kinds of lettuce (some of which will be ready very soon, raspberries and dandelion. I am so pleased that this land has been organic for some forty years.
I am not too pleased with myself for having planted bamboo. At the time I really didn't know it was invasive and I actually thought it would die the first winter. It did not. It thrives. It is pushing out my lillies of the valley. So, I pull and dig and pull and cut. I hope to, at least, give the lillies of the valley a fighting chance. They've been there for a hundred years.
The garden has tied in nicely with my work with water. Chop wood, carry water. I am not useing a hosepipe to water. I am using a watering can. It's an effort at respect and honoring water and not wasting it. It helps that this is not a desert and we get enough rain.
My painting is very rewarding too, if not for my talent then for the sheer peace it brings.
Off to forage for food. In the kitchen.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
food allergies
I have recently discovered that I have food allergies. Let me just begin by mourning the foods I can no longer eat:
pizza
milk
chocolate
cheese
yoghurt
ice cream
many cookies
butter
caramel
and lots of stuff that one would not even think of like Cliff Bars and all sorts of snacks.
all because it contains milk or a derivative thereof or psyllium.
Now, I'm done mourning. I'm done because I feel so much better now that I'm not ingesting things that make me ill. Not that I don't have the odd moment when I realise that I can't have something. But it is easily over whelmed by how well I feel. Plus, it's a good thing that I've been drinking soymilk for years and I like it. Soy yoghurt is okay too. And soy ice cream is good. The consistnecy of some things is different but, well, like I said, the rewards are overwhelming.
And all this makes sense when I remember that I could not have formula based from cow's milk as a baby. (I was told. I don't actually *remember*.) It would seem that at some point my mother gave me cow's milk and I seemed okay. But I always had a mild reaction. At that point I did not have the words to describe it and later, when I did, the reaction was one that I considered normal. Obviously, not deadly. But the difference in how I feel is absolutely amazing. Amazing.
pizza
milk
chocolate
cheese
yoghurt
ice cream
many cookies
butter
caramel
and lots of stuff that one would not even think of like Cliff Bars and all sorts of snacks.
all because it contains milk or a derivative thereof or psyllium.
Now, I'm done mourning. I'm done because I feel so much better now that I'm not ingesting things that make me ill. Not that I don't have the odd moment when I realise that I can't have something. But it is easily over whelmed by how well I feel. Plus, it's a good thing that I've been drinking soymilk for years and I like it. Soy yoghurt is okay too. And soy ice cream is good. The consistnecy of some things is different but, well, like I said, the rewards are overwhelming.
And all this makes sense when I remember that I could not have formula based from cow's milk as a baby. (I was told. I don't actually *remember*.) It would seem that at some point my mother gave me cow's milk and I seemed okay. But I always had a mild reaction. At that point I did not have the words to describe it and later, when I did, the reaction was one that I considered normal. Obviously, not deadly. But the difference in how I feel is absolutely amazing. Amazing.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Pink is Only a Colour
Pink is Only a Colour
She is blonde
She has blue eyes
She wears pink
She is friendly, open
She is seven
She is hurt
In ways a child should not know
By a trusted friend's grandfather
Grandfathers are always kind, right?
I carry an ache in my hips
It sings sweet songs in the voice of a friend
That turn into screams only the child can hear
Blue and grey and bigger than me
Faded work clothes
The child, caught
Silent with fear
Smash and destroy!
But, no, it has long since rusted away
The woman carries still that ache in her hips
In her heart
She is blonde
She has blue eyes
She wears pink
She is friendly, open
She is seven
She is hurt
In ways a child should not know
By a trusted friend's grandfather
Grandfathers are always kind, right?
I carry an ache in my hips
It sings sweet songs in the voice of a friend
That turn into screams only the child can hear
Blue and grey and bigger than me
Faded work clothes
The child, caught
Silent with fear
Smash and destroy!
But, no, it has long since rusted away
The woman carries still that ache in her hips
In her heart
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Saturday, March 08, 2008
where real life happens
Real Life doesn't always happen in my classroom. There are always *do overs*, mistakes can always be corrected, discipline reigns instead of punishment, kind words are the order of the day, no one is allowed to hurt anyone else's heart or body on purpose or by accident. When this happens we learn about better ways to behave.
This is not Real Life. This is Kindergarten. But my students come from Real Life. Where they can be hurt by those they love and trust. This is what was revealed this week. It hit our classroom hard. It hit me very hard.
You see, one of my students revealed some disturbing events which needed to be childlined because they were abusive. It was her father who played the main role. We did what we were supposed to do and reported it. She is still in my classroom as of Friday. How this will turn out or whether she will remain I do not know. She is one of those children particularly subject to abuse because she has emotional/behavioural issues. This topic is like the chicken and the egg. Does she have issues which caused the abuse or did the abuse cause the issues. From my point it is really moot. She said these disturbing things and we documented and she repeated and we reported. She is not likeable nor easy to deal with but that does not make abuse okay.
That was the world I grew up in...I deserved what I got cause I was difficult.
Then, there was the woman from the program who was calling me. Every night last week. Hanging on to some lifeline and hoping to make the best of a bad situation with her boyfriend. I felt fear and terror myself when I was on the phone with her and her boyfriend was home. So, I told her she could make the right decisions for herself and her kids (2 babies under 2). Well, Thursday she went to a shelter with her kids after calling the police on him.
Both situations are ones that I find difficult to deal with. But, I did my best. I spoke the truth. I never once said it would be okay. I said the right decisions could be made. At school we made the right decisions even though it may mean she leaves our school, it may mean she is taken from her family. She needs a safe, consistent environment to get a grip on her behaviour. I had inklings before. Like, her behaviour at school improved so vastly and she was still having trouble at home. The parents reported huge meltdowns and nasty things said. At school these things were handled in a calm manner and she was told that we do not behave like that. She had time to settle herself down and was then welcomed back into the group with a minimum of fanfare to prevent her feeling emabrrassed. (We had some issues with that early on and found that the less said the better she integrated back into the group.) She was stopped from hurting others and helped to deal with her own feelings inside the guidelines of acceptable classroom behaviour. She does pretty well. She has an aide to help her so her need for individual attention and management does not take away from the educational time of the other students. So, if she was doing well and improving at school, what was contributing to the continued reports of unmanageability at home? Abuse? Sounds like it.
So, that's what's going on. I'm working with the things these two situations bring up for me. That's my job. I have tools and at least I know they are hot buttons for me. That in itself is relatively new.
This is not Real Life. This is Kindergarten. But my students come from Real Life. Where they can be hurt by those they love and trust. This is what was revealed this week. It hit our classroom hard. It hit me very hard.
You see, one of my students revealed some disturbing events which needed to be childlined because they were abusive. It was her father who played the main role. We did what we were supposed to do and reported it. She is still in my classroom as of Friday. How this will turn out or whether she will remain I do not know. She is one of those children particularly subject to abuse because she has emotional/behavioural issues. This topic is like the chicken and the egg. Does she have issues which caused the abuse or did the abuse cause the issues. From my point it is really moot. She said these disturbing things and we documented and she repeated and we reported. She is not likeable nor easy to deal with but that does not make abuse okay.
That was the world I grew up in...I deserved what I got cause I was difficult.
Then, there was the woman from the program who was calling me. Every night last week. Hanging on to some lifeline and hoping to make the best of a bad situation with her boyfriend. I felt fear and terror myself when I was on the phone with her and her boyfriend was home. So, I told her she could make the right decisions for herself and her kids (2 babies under 2). Well, Thursday she went to a shelter with her kids after calling the police on him.
Both situations are ones that I find difficult to deal with. But, I did my best. I spoke the truth. I never once said it would be okay. I said the right decisions could be made. At school we made the right decisions even though it may mean she leaves our school, it may mean she is taken from her family. She needs a safe, consistent environment to get a grip on her behaviour. I had inklings before. Like, her behaviour at school improved so vastly and she was still having trouble at home. The parents reported huge meltdowns and nasty things said. At school these things were handled in a calm manner and she was told that we do not behave like that. She had time to settle herself down and was then welcomed back into the group with a minimum of fanfare to prevent her feeling emabrrassed. (We had some issues with that early on and found that the less said the better she integrated back into the group.) She was stopped from hurting others and helped to deal with her own feelings inside the guidelines of acceptable classroom behaviour. She does pretty well. She has an aide to help her so her need for individual attention and management does not take away from the educational time of the other students. So, if she was doing well and improving at school, what was contributing to the continued reports of unmanageability at home? Abuse? Sounds like it.
So, that's what's going on. I'm working with the things these two situations bring up for me. That's my job. I have tools and at least I know they are hot buttons for me. That in itself is relatively new.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
gentler work
I've been on a kick lately. Pointing out how folks are still staying sober and sane in A.A. without being *verbally abused* by their sponsors or other long timers. This stuff comes from the tough love era (and before in A.A.). But those of us who were subjected to it are being shown that it isn't the only way...if we are openminded enough to hear it. This I find pleasing. Because I am doing other things in my life in a kinder, gentler way as well. Like magic. Really, there is no need to blow your whole damn self up and scrape yourself back together. Heretofore that was how it was done. By me, by my teachers. The more explosive the better. But that gets wearing. Yes it does. And I am please to tell you all that so far, while being a powerful experience, our Iron Pentacle class is not causeing me to explode or anything. I intend to process this in my new kinder, gentler manner and I must say, it is so much saner. I fought hard for my sanity. No reason to toss it now.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
when a week feels like a month
This has been the week that feels like it has lasted a month. Already. And it's only Thursday. But tomorrow is Friday which is good. Very good. It too will be a long day. Starts a five am and goes on until 9 pm. But, after 12ish it will all be stuff of my own choosing. Well, and errands which I find annoying but must be done anyway.
Here's how the week went:
Monday: I had a workshop after work and my phone died. Really died. It was limping along for a while.
Tuesday: long day. work, home group, cold weather, snow, couldn't get the church door open.
Wednesday: just a long day
Thursday: another long day. parent late on top of 9 1/2 hour day.
Early bed.
Tomorrow I speak at an A.A. meeting. I get to tell my story. Here in Pittsburgh, that means I am the only one who gets to speak. Nice and relaxing for the rest of the folks.
However I am really quite joyful about the whole *Marjie doesn't do other people's displays of viloence/anger dicovery.
It keeps coming to me and clarifying new situations in shich this and not something else was the cause of my fear/rage/sick feeling/faintness/breathlessness. Doesn't sound fun but it's nice to know that there is a real cause for how these situations have always made me feel.
It is just possible that now I would be able to actually leave such a situation and not feel so paralyzed. And these did not have to be situations where I felt I was actually in danger.
Learning about all my parts is actually quite rewarding.
Here's how the week went:
Monday: I had a workshop after work and my phone died. Really died. It was limping along for a while.
Tuesday: long day. work, home group, cold weather, snow, couldn't get the church door open.
Wednesday: just a long day
Thursday: another long day. parent late on top of 9 1/2 hour day.
Early bed.
Tomorrow I speak at an A.A. meeting. I get to tell my story. Here in Pittsburgh, that means I am the only one who gets to speak. Nice and relaxing for the rest of the folks.
However I am really quite joyful about the whole *Marjie doesn't do other people's displays of viloence/anger dicovery.
It keeps coming to me and clarifying new situations in shich this and not something else was the cause of my fear/rage/sick feeling/faintness/breathlessness. Doesn't sound fun but it's nice to know that there is a real cause for how these situations have always made me feel.
It is just possible that now I would be able to actually leave such a situation and not feel so paralyzed. And these did not have to be situations where I felt I was actually in danger.
Learning about all my parts is actually quite rewarding.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
things that I've been thinking about
So, I've been at it again. Thinking, letting things ferment. Since I don't eat or drink fermented food these days, well, something has got to ferment so it has been my thoughts. More specifically, my thoughts on the first Iron Pentacle and the *things I learned that weekend*.
And yes, it would seem to be a weighty and important subject to me, having now three, yes three blogs related to it.
And so, what did I learn? Well, I learned that other people's anger creates a PTS situation for me. I love my Dad. I do. But I am not blind to his faults either. He had an explosive temper during my childhood, youth, and young adulthood. Even when I was certain I would not be a target of his anger it terrified me. Therefore, put in the situation where everyone else was stalking around acting out their anger...not the best place for me. I really felt like I was going to pass out or be sick. Really. I'm not terribly dramatic like that. I don't feign illness to get attention. I tend to go the other way and pretend to be fine when I am really ill and should go home. I'm just saying. But, I backed out of the exercise and sat with my back to the fireplace (cold and blocked off---but facing NORTH. And no, I was not intentionally aware of that at the moment.) This gave me some sense of safety or security. Whatever. It allowed me to not faint or be sick. And I had some time to collect myself. This made it possible for me to continue to participate in the class.
I was not unaware of how strong my reaction was to these events at the time. But, I've done had some experience with this and I KNEW just by the non reaction of the teacher and co-teacher that for whatever reason, no one was asking me what the hell had happened. So, I was not going to volunteer to bare my soul. People, I *give it away to keep it* every day. It don't mean that you give what you don't have. But surely we all have compassion? Or not. Anyway, I felt little or no compassion there that day. I have actually felt more compassion from strangers. No, I was not crying. Tears are not the only expression of human distress. But we seem to set great store by them. Yep, might as well deal with it now as it seems to be spilling out of the keyboard despite the fact that this was NOT the intended topic of the day. I felt badly used and abandoned by the teacher and co-teacher of the first class. Yes, Reclaiming does indeed tell people to get the proper treatment for what ever the hell ails you and Reclaiming is not it. Which it is not. But my issue is that responsibility goes just a bit further than that. Especially when teachers are being brought in from out of town to teach really powerful stuff to people they do not know working in groups they do not know. It might be better if less experienced *teachers* taught this stuff to people they work with on a regular basis. People with whom they have built a relationship and have a foundation with. See, this, I think, might be more important than making sure teachers are somehow certified. Cause then there might actually be someone left in the group to suggest that the afflicted party, me, might actually need some sort of outside help. Cause once these people were done with us there wasn't any group left to work with and there wasn't anyone left to give me a reality check. Fortunately, for me, I have a rock solid relationship with a Goddess of my Understanding and she has a rock solid relationship with me. I don't always listen the first time, but She is always persistent. So, in the end, I got the help I needed and no harm done, really. Except, now I have a fear of people leaving the group. At least I know what it's about and it's not just some nameless panic. Enough about my abandonment issues.
What I really intended to blog about today was the strength and power I have found in this whole situation. (But if you know me you might know that I do a lot, A LOT of bitching on my way to the positive view. Hence, the previous paragraph. And so, how do I see this as strength and power? Well, how about this, I held this issue for something like four years. In silence. In my heart and head until it became something I could work with. A lot like codependency. Had to hold THAT for a lot longer. And there's power in that too. Hold it I did. I was not unaware of it. No. It was just too painful to deal with before. Too close. Or it had not germinated yet. Or I had not grown enough to deal with it. Or it had not fermented long enough. See, along the way, I found that I could look with fresh and honest eyes and heart at my co dependence, and actually take positive steps to deal with it. It doesn't make it less painful but the actions allow more growth. (Step Seven)
How the hell do people do this stuff without the 12 steps? Beyond me. Cause if you read my previous posts on this subject you will see that the first thing I did was go back to meetings. Yep. The ain't witches but the got a handle on the life/soul changing stuff. They get it. Most of the witches I've worked with here in Pittsburgh don't actually go there. No, they run from there. I can't run from it. To resist is more than futile, it's fatal.
And so I find myself amazed at my own power. Amazed at my own tenacity. I could have left. I could have. I had been told to *take care of my self*. The rest of the group interpreted that as *I can't do this so I will just stop.* I can't stop. I have to break down what is difficult into pieces that I CAN do and just get on with it. In the end the results are powerful and amazing. And my relationship with the Goddess just gets deeper and stronger. Like Who held me up when I had no idea what was going on? Who pointed me in the right direction? Who gave me the strength and stamina to do the little stuff that became the big stuff in the end? Why my Higher Power, of course. We got something going on. Rock on, girls!
And yes, it would seem to be a weighty and important subject to me, having now three, yes three blogs related to it.
And so, what did I learn? Well, I learned that other people's anger creates a PTS situation for me. I love my Dad. I do. But I am not blind to his faults either. He had an explosive temper during my childhood, youth, and young adulthood. Even when I was certain I would not be a target of his anger it terrified me. Therefore, put in the situation where everyone else was stalking around acting out their anger...not the best place for me. I really felt like I was going to pass out or be sick. Really. I'm not terribly dramatic like that. I don't feign illness to get attention. I tend to go the other way and pretend to be fine when I am really ill and should go home. I'm just saying. But, I backed out of the exercise and sat with my back to the fireplace (cold and blocked off---but facing NORTH. And no, I was not intentionally aware of that at the moment.) This gave me some sense of safety or security. Whatever. It allowed me to not faint or be sick. And I had some time to collect myself. This made it possible for me to continue to participate in the class.
I was not unaware of how strong my reaction was to these events at the time. But, I've done had some experience with this and I KNEW just by the non reaction of the teacher and co-teacher that for whatever reason, no one was asking me what the hell had happened. So, I was not going to volunteer to bare my soul. People, I *give it away to keep it* every day. It don't mean that you give what you don't have. But surely we all have compassion? Or not. Anyway, I felt little or no compassion there that day. I have actually felt more compassion from strangers. No, I was not crying. Tears are not the only expression of human distress. But we seem to set great store by them. Yep, might as well deal with it now as it seems to be spilling out of the keyboard despite the fact that this was NOT the intended topic of the day. I felt badly used and abandoned by the teacher and co-teacher of the first class. Yes, Reclaiming does indeed tell people to get the proper treatment for what ever the hell ails you and Reclaiming is not it. Which it is not. But my issue is that responsibility goes just a bit further than that. Especially when teachers are being brought in from out of town to teach really powerful stuff to people they do not know working in groups they do not know. It might be better if less experienced *teachers* taught this stuff to people they work with on a regular basis. People with whom they have built a relationship and have a foundation with. See, this, I think, might be more important than making sure teachers are somehow certified. Cause then there might actually be someone left in the group to suggest that the afflicted party, me, might actually need some sort of outside help. Cause once these people were done with us there wasn't any group left to work with and there wasn't anyone left to give me a reality check. Fortunately, for me, I have a rock solid relationship with a Goddess of my Understanding and she has a rock solid relationship with me. I don't always listen the first time, but She is always persistent. So, in the end, I got the help I needed and no harm done, really. Except, now I have a fear of people leaving the group. At least I know what it's about and it's not just some nameless panic. Enough about my abandonment issues.
What I really intended to blog about today was the strength and power I have found in this whole situation. (But if you know me you might know that I do a lot, A LOT of bitching on my way to the positive view. Hence, the previous paragraph. And so, how do I see this as strength and power? Well, how about this, I held this issue for something like four years. In silence. In my heart and head until it became something I could work with. A lot like codependency. Had to hold THAT for a lot longer. And there's power in that too. Hold it I did. I was not unaware of it. No. It was just too painful to deal with before. Too close. Or it had not germinated yet. Or I had not grown enough to deal with it. Or it had not fermented long enough. See, along the way, I found that I could look with fresh and honest eyes and heart at my co dependence, and actually take positive steps to deal with it. It doesn't make it less painful but the actions allow more growth. (Step Seven)
How the hell do people do this stuff without the 12 steps? Beyond me. Cause if you read my previous posts on this subject you will see that the first thing I did was go back to meetings. Yep. The ain't witches but the got a handle on the life/soul changing stuff. They get it. Most of the witches I've worked with here in Pittsburgh don't actually go there. No, they run from there. I can't run from it. To resist is more than futile, it's fatal.
And so I find myself amazed at my own power. Amazed at my own tenacity. I could have left. I could have. I had been told to *take care of my self*. The rest of the group interpreted that as *I can't do this so I will just stop.* I can't stop. I have to break down what is difficult into pieces that I CAN do and just get on with it. In the end the results are powerful and amazing. And my relationship with the Goddess just gets deeper and stronger. Like Who held me up when I had no idea what was going on? Who pointed me in the right direction? Who gave me the strength and stamina to do the little stuff that became the big stuff in the end? Why my Higher Power, of course. We got something going on. Rock on, girls!
Friday, February 22, 2008
things that explode
I always assumed that if and when my life exploded I would be aware of it exactly at the time that it happened. But, ya know, I am finding that exploding lives are sort of like the eye of a tornado. Yep, all this stuff is spinning around and in the middle is me and I'm just doing the stuff I do, like breathing and working and I wonder why it is so hard to do the daily stuff but I never see the storm until it is over. I suspect that this is some sort of pain management technique. Somehow, it allows me to continue to live my daily life while processing painful or difficult information in some other part of my brain other than the part that deals with bills and walking the dog and making food. But don't be fooled by the seeming normalcy. In some part of my brain and body things are going on. I know this because time after time difficult things come to me fully formed and ready to be looked at and dealt with. This process is not for the ordinary difficult stuff of life, like people one doesn't want to really spend time with but who seem to want to spend time with me anyway. How do I tell them *no* and not feel like a really snobby heel? Difficult, yes. Needing to be processed in some inaccessible region of the brain, no. No, this process is for the stuff that is too painful to look at right away, all at once. The stuff that has to be chewed on like cud. Sometimes for years. I am never totally unaware that it is there. No, I know about it. I just can't really DO anything with it until is gestates. Like some of the stuff that came up in that Iron Pentacle class a few years back. It just needed time to gestate. And the nice thing is that whereever it goes while it is gestating, the pain of it is reduced to something that I can live with. But I do have a REALLY high tolerance for pain. Now I get to take it all out and look at it. I think I can process it now. I can acknowledge th pain without a panic attack. Unlike the first time.
This, I believe, is Step Seven. It is part of humility A.A. style and being who I am in all my parts. The tricky bit is that we don't know what some of those parts are until we meet them. But part of the process of Step Seven is learning to meet those parts and not panic; but to reach for them knowing that we are not alone. It really is easier to reach for them than to run from them kicking and screaming. They'll make themselves known anyway. Might as well be honest, openminded, and willing.
This, I believe, is Step Seven. It is part of humility A.A. style and being who I am in all my parts. The tricky bit is that we don't know what some of those parts are until we meet them. But part of the process of Step Seven is learning to meet those parts and not panic; but to reach for them knowing that we are not alone. It really is easier to reach for them than to run from them kicking and screaming. They'll make themselves known anyway. Might as well be honest, openminded, and willing.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
things that are difficult
I am revisiting something that I found difficult. If you know me you may not be surprised. I've been doing this for a while now. It all began with Algebra II wherein I took the class again to get a higher grade. I did.
Then it moved on to things like getting sober and the whole world of codependency.
Both difficult. Both needed to be revisited. Although, I might add that the codependency issue needed to be revisited with a rather large lapse of time in between visits.
Now the thing that I am revisiting is the Iron Pentacle. If you don't know what that is you may ask. I will explain. But for now I shall just assume that if you are reading this blog you have some idea.
My first go round with the Iron Pentacle was difficult. Difficult, dramatic, and probably dangerous. But, I am one of those people who jump first and look for my wings while already airborne.
Difficult because I was in new territory on a weekend workshop. With strangers and pretty new circle mates. Why did we do it, you ask? Well, it was how we were lead to understand that one builds *community*. And we all sorta knew what the deal was. We weren't new but we were new to each other. This just ain't work to do with strangers. Really. I gotta be honest and say I was kinda blown away by the work. I liked it. Don't get me wrong. We'd done 2 Elements classes together and a Ritual Artistry class by this point. But this was different. This was more personal. And although we had been working together for a time there weren't any real connections built. This made the work more difficult for me. See, I've been doing work that, I think, parallels the work of the Pentacles for years. It's called The Program of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you think I'm kidding, you try it. Really, honestly, seriously, like your life depends on it, try it. All 12 Steps. You'll see. It is difficult and life changing/soul changing stuff. But it is done on the basis of folks having built some kind of relationship within which this really hard work can be done. And we did not have the framework for such work. We just didn't know that. I don't know how the work affected the other members of the class cause we sorta fell apart after that. And there you have it!
Dangerous? Well, that was unforseeable before the event. Cause I had no idea that little ole me who had been diligently working on herself all those years had some issues I was not even aware of. Until that weekend. But, dangerous? Well, yes. In retrospect I must give immense credit to the Goddess Who has carried me through many difficult and dangerous experiences these many years and She carried me through that weekend and the shattering aftemath. Cause it was a weekend workshop, remember? And the woman who taught it went home to another state on Sunday. Right? Right! And there's me left with all this crap and no one I felt would either understand or care. So, that left me with my truly awesome Higher Power to get me sorted out.
But, come now. Dangerous? Everyone has issues, right? How dangerous could it have been? Well, here's how: I had been sober for some time (over 10 years) but I had not been to meetings and had not kept up contact with anyone. (Another long story--another time perhaps.) So, I was kinda out there alone...except for my awesome Higher Power. I knew I was not in that alone and I knew I could count on Her but it was a dangerous place for any alcoholic. I made it. Yes, indeed. But it was a gift really.
Dramatic? Well, yep. Not only was there lots of acting out of the points and the matching points on the rust and gilded pentacles but the effects of the class where dramatic in my life. Let's just say that I musta found what I really wanted cause even after all that I'm still here!
I forgot isolating. Doing this work among a group with tenuous attachments was very isolating for me. Let's just put it this way: Not too long after this workshop I found my little way back to meetings and back to people who spoke my language and understood that this work requires CONNECTION...it is not an option.
So, after all that, I am going to try it again. NOT a weekend workshop. NOT a group without connections. NOT a teacher who lives in another state. Did I miss anything? Oh yeah, and if it should go badly, I've been back to meetings for years and I have good connections there too and they all know I'm a witch. So, even if they don't actually understand, they'll listen.
Let's pray for gentle changes and understanding, shall we?
Then it moved on to things like getting sober and the whole world of codependency.
Both difficult. Both needed to be revisited. Although, I might add that the codependency issue needed to be revisited with a rather large lapse of time in between visits.
Now the thing that I am revisiting is the Iron Pentacle. If you don't know what that is you may ask. I will explain. But for now I shall just assume that if you are reading this blog you have some idea.
My first go round with the Iron Pentacle was difficult. Difficult, dramatic, and probably dangerous. But, I am one of those people who jump first and look for my wings while already airborne.
Difficult because I was in new territory on a weekend workshop. With strangers and pretty new circle mates. Why did we do it, you ask? Well, it was how we were lead to understand that one builds *community*. And we all sorta knew what the deal was. We weren't new but we were new to each other. This just ain't work to do with strangers. Really. I gotta be honest and say I was kinda blown away by the work. I liked it. Don't get me wrong. We'd done 2 Elements classes together and a Ritual Artistry class by this point. But this was different. This was more personal. And although we had been working together for a time there weren't any real connections built. This made the work more difficult for me. See, I've been doing work that, I think, parallels the work of the Pentacles for years. It's called The Program of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you think I'm kidding, you try it. Really, honestly, seriously, like your life depends on it, try it. All 12 Steps. You'll see. It is difficult and life changing/soul changing stuff. But it is done on the basis of folks having built some kind of relationship within which this really hard work can be done. And we did not have the framework for such work. We just didn't know that. I don't know how the work affected the other members of the class cause we sorta fell apart after that. And there you have it!
Dangerous? Well, that was unforseeable before the event. Cause I had no idea that little ole me who had been diligently working on herself all those years had some issues I was not even aware of. Until that weekend. But, dangerous? Well, yes. In retrospect I must give immense credit to the Goddess Who has carried me through many difficult and dangerous experiences these many years and She carried me through that weekend and the shattering aftemath. Cause it was a weekend workshop, remember? And the woman who taught it went home to another state on Sunday. Right? Right! And there's me left with all this crap and no one I felt would either understand or care. So, that left me with my truly awesome Higher Power to get me sorted out.
But, come now. Dangerous? Everyone has issues, right? How dangerous could it have been? Well, here's how: I had been sober for some time (over 10 years) but I had not been to meetings and had not kept up contact with anyone. (Another long story--another time perhaps.) So, I was kinda out there alone...except for my awesome Higher Power. I knew I was not in that alone and I knew I could count on Her but it was a dangerous place for any alcoholic. I made it. Yes, indeed. But it was a gift really.
Dramatic? Well, yep. Not only was there lots of acting out of the points and the matching points on the rust and gilded pentacles but the effects of the class where dramatic in my life. Let's just say that I musta found what I really wanted cause even after all that I'm still here!
I forgot isolating. Doing this work among a group with tenuous attachments was very isolating for me. Let's just put it this way: Not too long after this workshop I found my little way back to meetings and back to people who spoke my language and understood that this work requires CONNECTION...it is not an option.
So, after all that, I am going to try it again. NOT a weekend workshop. NOT a group without connections. NOT a teacher who lives in another state. Did I miss anything? Oh yeah, and if it should go badly, I've been back to meetings for years and I have good connections there too and they all know I'm a witch. So, even if they don't actually understand, they'll listen.
Let's pray for gentle changes and understanding, shall we?
Friday, February 08, 2008
showing up
I was thinking about my evening tonight. It was fun. I went out for Thai food with friends after the meeting. This is the direct result of mostly just showing up. every week same bat time same bat meeting. Sounds easy doesn't it? Well, yes and no. See, that kind of showing up means showing up even when I don't want to. Showing up when I'm sure everyone there thinks I'm an idiot. Showing up when I could not stop crying. Showing up when I was really glad to be there. Helping set up, helping wash dishes, helping put stuff away. Meeting people's eyes, talking to them, remembering to ask how THEY are, yeah, some of that is difficult. The thing is that after a while it begins to pay off. People get comfortable and begin to feel safe when ya keep showing up. They do crazy things like give you a key to a big East End church (two big East End churches, actually). I've been going to this same meeting for a year. I was asked to be the secretary (a far cry from when my sponsor just announced to me that I would be the secretary some 17-17 1/2 years ago in a meeting that no longer exisits). I was taken out to dinner to celebrate my anniversary last Friday. Which was very cool because it was on the day and all. And quite unexpected. We did the same for another woman who has 17 years tonight. (her anniversary was actually Tuesday). See, all along what I've wanted was attention. But it has taken me a long time to figure out what kind of attention I REALLY wanted. Now, I am pretty sure that I want positive attention and from people with whom I've built some kind of relationship. But, since I've never actually done this before I had no idea that the middle bit of the journey could actually be harder than the beginning. See, the beginning is hard because everything and everyone is new. I don't really do well in those situations. Being in a new situation can be so overwhelming that I sort of shut out a lot. Like I'm overstimulated and I can't take it all in. Keeps me safe. Apparently enough gets in for me to be able to decide whether I want to go there or do that again. It's better than it used to be but still uncomfortable and overwhelming. Then, comes the middle part where I've been there and done that before. I'm getting comfortable and able to take in more of who is there and what is going on around me. Then if I really like it and want to be a part of what is going on it becomes painful because I am still not really there yet. I just want to be. I know names and faces but not the real dynamics yet. Not a part of anything just a regular bystander. What has happened now is that I am clearly past the point where I am a bystander. (I get to call group conscience meetings.) I am a part of something that I wanted to be a part of. I'm glad that in the middle, horrible, lonely bit I did not go with the idea that I should just stop torturing myself and go back and play with the familiar but unhealthy folks I had been playing with.
Clearly, any one who would be my instant friend should be a BIG RED FLAG!!
Clearly, any one who would be my instant friend should be a BIG RED FLAG!!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Brigid Poetry
There's two. The first one is not mine. I do not know whose it is.
Ring the bells that still may ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
This one is mine:
I
I tried
I grew on the inside
Maybe you can't see it
Maybe you can
I was there
There for the new experiences
I was there for the successes
I was there for the failures
Old relationships fell away
New ones formed
No strings
Solid
Slow
I was awake for my life
It happens anyway
Awake, asleep, life
Awake, my growth is my dream
My life, my dream
Ring the bells that still may ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
This one is mine:
I
I tried
I grew on the inside
Maybe you can't see it
Maybe you can
I was there
There for the new experiences
I was there for the successes
I was there for the failures
Old relationships fell away
New ones formed
No strings
Solid
Slow
I was awake for my life
It happens anyway
Awake, asleep, life
Awake, my growth is my dream
My life, my dream
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
This year
This has been quite a year. Yeah, I know. Most people don't measure their year from February to February, but I do. It is my sobriety anniversary. It is useful to me to take stock at this time. And it feels right.
I thought I did a lot of standing still this year. But as I take stock this is SO not the case. I've done a lot a work this year. It's been quite a year. What I thought I was going to be doing was a lot of external work, external changes. But no, this was not to be. I did A LOT of internal work, *deep work* as they say. It was difficult. Indeed it was. But it was clearly what I needed to be doing. I did not post about all of it but I did post some. This was the year for working with my codependence and really being able to work with it. It's not like I didn't know it needed done before, but I could never actually do the work and not get bogged down in it or by it. Actual learning has taken place. I know this because teaching is what I do so I know learning when I see it. Behaviour changed. So, learning has taken place. I can see the changes in my own behaviour and I see the changes in the behaviour I get from others. And my expectations and what is okay has changed. If one is not a child. I can also verbalise what it is that is okay and what it is that is not okay and why. These are all good things to have been working on.
I also have been spending the past year creating a new A.A. community. The old one was broken and I tried to fix it and it wouldn't fix so while I still go to the old meetings I have a new community and it is healthier than the old one. I have not severed ties with the old one. I still frequent the most problematic meeting as my first sponsor is there and I go to another meeting with all the old problem people in it because there are many people there who are not problematic and whom I love. But should their problematic behaviour spread to effect the groups I have a supportive community which is not part of the problem. This has been good for me although it was hard and lonely. I also have had two sponsors in the past year. This after having the same sponsor for 15-16 years. This too was difficult but it has been most helpful.
I got a therapist this year. I'm on my second one now because the first one left. Nothing personal he just left. This is something I needed to do for a long time. But I was sure that if I sought professional help I would end up on a locked ward somewhere. I'm still free.
So, while this year has been tough it has also not been what I thought it would be and it has been a bountiful year in the self-growth arena.
I thought I did a lot of standing still this year. But as I take stock this is SO not the case. I've done a lot a work this year. It's been quite a year. What I thought I was going to be doing was a lot of external work, external changes. But no, this was not to be. I did A LOT of internal work, *deep work* as they say. It was difficult. Indeed it was. But it was clearly what I needed to be doing. I did not post about all of it but I did post some. This was the year for working with my codependence and really being able to work with it. It's not like I didn't know it needed done before, but I could never actually do the work and not get bogged down in it or by it. Actual learning has taken place. I know this because teaching is what I do so I know learning when I see it. Behaviour changed. So, learning has taken place. I can see the changes in my own behaviour and I see the changes in the behaviour I get from others. And my expectations and what is okay has changed. If one is not a child. I can also verbalise what it is that is okay and what it is that is not okay and why. These are all good things to have been working on.
I also have been spending the past year creating a new A.A. community. The old one was broken and I tried to fix it and it wouldn't fix so while I still go to the old meetings I have a new community and it is healthier than the old one. I have not severed ties with the old one. I still frequent the most problematic meeting as my first sponsor is there and I go to another meeting with all the old problem people in it because there are many people there who are not problematic and whom I love. But should their problematic behaviour spread to effect the groups I have a supportive community which is not part of the problem. This has been good for me although it was hard and lonely. I also have had two sponsors in the past year. This after having the same sponsor for 15-16 years. This too was difficult but it has been most helpful.
I got a therapist this year. I'm on my second one now because the first one left. Nothing personal he just left. This is something I needed to do for a long time. But I was sure that if I sought professional help I would end up on a locked ward somewhere. I'm still free.
So, while this year has been tough it has also not been what I thought it would be and it has been a bountiful year in the self-growth arena.
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